How long do you steep a douche bag?

Tags

cleanse, detox, detoxification, diet, funny, health, humor, lemonade diet, lifestyle, quit smoking, vegetarian

Have you ever done something, or even said something, that you KNOW you have good reason for, and yet you still somehow can’t talk about it without feeling that you sound like a complete and utter douche bag?

Welcome to detox cleansing.

“Hey, Ash, wanna grab a beer?” – Sorry I can’t; I am on a detox cleanse.

“Hey, Ash, how did you like those little weenies at the graduation party?” – I didn’t eat any; no meat while I detox.

“Ashy, can I bum a cig?” – Nope, I quit. . . okay, so far so good. . .

“How’d you do it!?” – Oh, I went on a raw diet and am eating everything organic for a week while I drink special teas and an organic lemonade mixture to flush the toxins out of my body.

^ DOUCHE!

Well, it took longer than I thought to kick the smoking/drinking habits, but I am now on day 3 of being totally alcohol and nicotine free!

Made the trip to Whole Foods today; I officially have a drawer in the fridge of totally organic raw fruits and veggies that promote cleansing: carrots, kale, cherries, blueberries, strawberries, apples, citrus, the list goes on.

While I have been eating vegetarian for a few days, which is no news to me since I was a vegetarian for 2 years, tomorrow the hard part begins. I will be drinking laxative teas in the morning or at bedtime, while eating only raw foods and drinking the lemonade mixture during the day. 4 days of that, and then it is on to weaning myself back to eating normal food, but staying away from the nicotine.

Anyone wanna join me? It’s not too late!

We can blog about how hungry we are together!

Nope? Figures.

New Beginnings. . .

Tags

cleanse, detox, diet, health, lemonade diet, lifestyle, master cleanse, quit smoking, smoking

Alrighty,

It is time. I have decided to push the “restart” button on my body; I am quitting the cancer sticks as of tonight, and starting Monday I plan to begin a detox cleanse.

If anyone has done a detox diet before, whether it be a juice cleanse, the master cleanse, or something similar, I would love advice. In particular, I have low blood sugar, and thanks to some research, I think I have found a good plan for myself, but could really use some tips!

As I ease into the cleanse (and a cigarette-less life, which may be much harder than the cleanse) at the end of this week, I will post the results, side-effects, benefits, trials tribulations etc.

I look forward to having the advice and encouragement of my fellow bloggers!

The ballad of love and hate. . .

Tags

anger, argument, christianity, family, fight, forgive, forgiven, forgiveness, god, hate, jesus, life, love

Hate is such a terrible thing. Whether it be all-around disgust with someone, or simply a hateful word, something about the negativity required to produce hate just chips away at one’s soul. It is sad that in this world that already has so much pain, we somehow still find it necessary to add to the pile.

God calls us to love Him first, and people second, but both before ourselves. This is clear to me. He also calls us to forgive someone seventy times seven times. This is clear to me. What is not clear to me is if ignoring someone can be called forgiveness. Do I need to actively be a part of this person’s life when all I have received from them is hostility? I have a hard time thinking my God would want that. Forgiveness has been given, but when the anger from the one you forgive continues, sometimes you must walk away to prevent hurting them, or allowing them to hurt you further. So far, my stream of consciousness is making sense and clearing my head.

The troubling part is when this person is supposed to be family. Family is a gift – the greatest gift, I think, we receive besides Christ Himself. Some people throw family around as if they will always be there so it doesn’t matter how they are treated, and still others ignore their family for whatever reason. I have heard people say, “Well, then, you are no longer a part of my family,” so nonchalantly that I simply don’t think they value family at all. How could you be in the midst of an argument and threaten to disown someone as a means to SOLVING a problem? In my eyes, that could only make a deeper, more painful problem that the one you claim you are trying to solve.

Perhaps one of the worst things I have seen hate do is disrespect. Disrespect has so many facets that many times we don’t give it the attention it deserves. Disrespect says, “I don’t give a shit about what you think.” While there are many types of disrespect, that which comes up in an argument can be the most potent because it is fueled by emotion. I have heard people bring up family members who have passed away, saying that the deceased would’ve thought _______________ about the opposing side. Can you imagine!? Taking the liberty to speak for the dead, while simultaneously using their passing as fuel for your petty argument? That is beyond words.

Remember that we are all born with the wrong focus: ourselves, and in order to receive the blessings available, we must fight this initial focus and attempt to care about others, even if they won’t accept it. While doing this, we cannot get caught up in their negative feelings, but instead relish those that we love who also love us back.

Obviously, our world is not a perfect place. There is so much beauty and love available, but twice as much is rejected as is accepted. Take a moment today to remember the important things; take a moment to actually smell the air as it enters your lungs, to hug someone that deserves it (or doesn’t!); take the time to put out more love than you receive, and to repay hate with love, or at least happy ignorance.

The Wedding: It is NOT your day. . .

Tags

cars, economic, economy, engage, engaged, food, funny, hot dogs, humor, lady gaga, life, love, marriage, mastodon, money, ring, UNCG, wedding

So. . . my fiance asked me to marry him in May 2011. We have been thinking of how to go through with the ceremony for almost a year now, and the qualms that are presenting themselves are not those that I had anticipated as a child.

The average small, personal, or intimate wedding costs $13,000. Wtf? $13,000 . . . do you know what you can buy with that much money? Let me put this in perspective, brides (and those who would like to prove to brides that they are ridiculous):

#10: A car.

#9:One year at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro

(Annual estimated total cost for most In-State students living on campus)

#8: Your very own fiberglass mastodon. (yes, really.)

#7: You can pay a surrogate mother.

#6: A distressed home.

#5: 4347.8 packages of hot dogs.

#4: Dinner with Lady Gaga

#3: Plastic surgery for a bloodhound

#2: a hovercraft.

#1: Possibly something else intelligent, besides the year of college and maybe the car.

At this point, we are trying to think of ideas that we won’t regret later, like getting impatient and going to the courthouse or Vegas, while still keeping ourselves from throwing away tens of thousands of dollars, a.k.a. our survival.

Possible ideas: Pot luck reception, wedding and reception at a restaurant with nice outside setting for ceremony, or marrying our pets, which doesn’t require a ceremony at all. Sorry, that was the impatience speaking. Help!

(Picture at a beautiful venue! Price? $12,999. Hell no.)

Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?

Tags

cat, dog, drinks, engaged, english, first blogs, funny, High Point, introductions, new blog, North Carolina, noses, pcikup lines, penguins, relationships, teachers, writing

Well, hello! Welcome to our awkward first date.

        There really is not one “first blog” I have read that felt right. . . No doubt, some were interesting, some revealing, some boring and unoriginal, but I have decided that this blog is much like a relationship, a relationship with you more importantly, and because we are starting a relationship I find that it would be best if I didn’t bore you or drop you deep into my subconscious.

 

Instead, let’s go have a drink. Just a drink, I promise.  . . “I’ll have a vodka tonic, thanks.”  And you?

 

         If you have read my profile, you already know a bit of this, but my name is Ashland and I teach British literature to seniors at a high school in High Point, NC. I am 22, engaged, and have a dog and a cat. (Sounding like a personal ad yet?)

        I graduated from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro with a BA in English, and am already looking forward to getting my MA when the time is right. What about you?

 

 Well, that’s interesting! *(Insert genuine question about your answer here.)*

           What? Oh, yes, the whole penguin thing; here’s a funny story. . . My fiancé’s last name is “Pingue,” pronounced “Ping- way” but almost everyone refers to him as “Penguin” or “the Penguin.” You would think a last name like that would suffice for the nickname, however he also happens to be rather short and have a . . . defined. . . nose, which aids him in fitting the description so lovingly bestowed upon him in high school. We went to the same school, but never met each other.

 

Why? Well, we were very different in high school, both from who we are now and from each other.

 

          My fiancé was what those that like to assign archetypes would call “the druggie” because he. . .  well that one is obvious, so we will just leave it at that. I, however, was the opposite. I didn’t even have my first drink until I was seventeen, and that was with my parents.

        Anyway, we ended up meeting at my high school boyfriend’s going away party. He was leaving for the airforce. Wow. That sounds worse than it is. . . we didn’t start dating until a good while later, but that IS how we met.

       Once we started dating, you know, Penguin and I, I went a little crazy with collecting penguin stuff. Apparently the nickname existed before my fiance because his mother also collects “penguin everything,” and helped me get started with my own collection. Thus the Penguin theme.  

 

I wonder if they have penguin themed drink here . . .

Speaking of drinks, before we have had too many, why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself?

Leave a comment.

 

(Oh, and since we have been stupid and had too many drinks, let’s be smart about it and get a cab.)